"I Guess I Owe Him": Why Obligation Sex Is Coercion (And Why It Happens to Mothers)
Content warning: This post discusses sexual coercion and may be triggering for some readers.
Also we purposefully used HE/HIM in this post because Obligation Sex is disproportionately pushed by men in heterosexual relationships. However, this does NOT mean it does not or cannot happen in other relationship dynamics. We believe it is important to call out heterosexual men for their harmful behavior.
Let me ask you something: How many times have you had sex because you felt like you "should"?
Not because you wanted to. Not because you were turned on or interested or even remotely in the mood. But because it had been a while, or because you were worried about how your partner would react if you said no, or because you just wanted to get it over with so they'd stop asking.
If that resonates, I need you to hear this:
That is NOT consent. That IS coercion.
And it's happening to mothers at an alarming rate, because motherhood sets you up for it in ways that most people refuse to talk about.
What Obligation Sex Actually Is
Obligation sex is exactly what it sounds like: having sex out of a sense of duty, guilt, pressure, or fear—not desire.
It's sex that happens because:
"It's been too long"
"He'll be upset if I don't"
"I guess I owe him"
"It's easier to just do it than deal with the fallout"
"Marriage/relationship means I have to"
It's the sex you have to keep the peace. To avoid conflict. To check a box. To prove you're still a "good partner" even though you're drowning in every other area of your life.
And here's the thing nobody wants to say out loud: If you're having sex primarily to avoid negative consequences, that's coercion. You don't have to be physically forced for it to be coercive.
Why Motherhood Sets You Up for This
Motherhood primes you for sexual obligation in ways that are so normalized, most people don't even recognize it as a problem.
Think about what you're taught as a mother:
Put everyone else's needs first
Your body exists to serve others (pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding)
Feel guilty when you prioritize yourself
Keep your partner happy
Sacrifice without complaint
Be endlessly available
Now add in the reality of early motherhood: You're touched out. You're exhausted. Your body has been through trauma. You're overstimulated, under-rested, and running on fumes. The idea of one more person wanting something from your body feels like a violation, even when that person is your partner.
But you've been conditioned to override all of that. To ignore your own needs and boundaries in service of everyone else's comfort. So when your partner wants sex and you don't? You do it anyway.
Because saying no feels selfish. Because you worry they'll leave or cheat or resent you. Because you've internalized the message that your body is not fully yours anymore.
Coercion Doesn't Require Physical Force
When most people think of sexual coercion, they picture someone being physically forced. But coercion is much more common—and much more subtle—than that.
Coercion looks like:
"You never want to anymore"
"What's wrong with you?"
"I have needs"
"It's been X days"
Pouting or silent treatment when you say no
Asking repeatedly until you give in
Making you feel guilty for not being available
Framing your "no" as a relationship problem you need to fix
You don't have to be held down to be coerced. You just have to feel like you don't really have a choice.
And when the alternative to sex is conflict, guilt, or emotional withdrawal? That's not a free choice. That's pressure.
What Real Consent Actually Requires
Here's what consent actually is:
Freely given – No guilt, no pressure, no consequences for saying no
Enthusiastic – A genuine "yes," not a reluctant "fine, whatever"
Specific – Agreeing to one thing doesn't mean agreeing to everything
Reversible – You can change your mind at any point
Informed – You understand what you're agreeing to
"I guess" is not consent. "Fine" is not consent. Sex to avoid a fight is not consent. Sex because you're afraid of how your partner will react is not consent.
Real consent means you actually want it. Not that you're willing to endure it.
Your Body Is Not a Marital Obligation
Let's be very clear about something: Your body is not a service you provide in exchange for partnership.
Sex is not a debt you owe because you're married or in a relationship. Your partner's sexual desire does not automatically create an obligation for you. Being in a committed relationship does not mean your body stops belonging to you.
And yet, this is the message mothers get constantly, from religious communities, from outdated relationship advice, from cultural scripts about what it means to be a "good wife."
You're told that withholding sex is mean, manipulative, or grounds for your partner to stray. You're told that men "need" sex in a way that is more important for your need for bodily autonomy. You're told that if you loved them, you'd want to.
All of that? It's gaslighting designed to make you ignore your own boundaries.
A loving partner does not want you to ignore your body's signals to service them. If your partner can't handle your "no" with grace and respect, that's a relationship problem, not a sex problem.
The Harm Is Real
Obligation sex isn't just uncomfortable or annoying. It causes real, lasting damage.
When you habitually have sex you don't want:
You disconnect from your own desire. You stop knowing what you actually want because you've learned your wants don't matter.
You teach yourself your needs are irrelevant. Your body becomes something that happens to you, not something you inhabit.
You lose self-trust. If you can't trust yourself to honor your own boundaries, who can you trust?
You may experience pain, trauma responses, and sexual dysfunction. Your body remembers even when your mind tries to rationalize.
You destroy the possibility of real intimacy. You can't build connection on resentment and violation.
This isn't abstract. This is your mental health, your relationship with your body, your capacity for pleasure, and your sense of self.
Obligation sex doesn't help your relationship. It harms it from the inside out.
"But My Partner Gets Frustrated When I Say No"
I know. And that's their feeling to manage and work through. You do not and should not have to sacrifice your body for their feelings.
If your partner gets frustrated, upset, or withdrawn when you're not available for sex, that's information about them. It tells you they're prioritizing their sexual gratification over your well being. It tells you they see your body as something they're entitled to access.
A partner who loves and respects you will care whether you actually want to have sex—not just whether you're willing to go through the motions.
And if they can't manage their own disappointment without making you feel guilty, unsafe, or obligated? That's emotional manipulation, and it's not okay.
Your "no" deserves the same respect as your "yes." If it doesn't get that, you don't have a consent problem—you have a respect problem.
What to Do If This Is Happening to You
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, here's what might help:
Name it. Start by being honest with yourself: "I'm having sex out of obligation, not desire." You can't address what you won't acknowledge.
Talk about it, but not in the moment. Have the conversation when you're not in bed, when there's no immediate pressure. Use clear language: "I need sex to be mutual and wanted, not obligatory. I've been feeling pressured, and that needs to change."
Set boundaries. You're allowed to say: "I'm not available for sex right now, and I need you to respect that without making me feel guilty." You're allowed to ask for time, space, and freedom from pressure.
Consider therapy. If your partner pushes back, minimizes, or gets defensive, couples therapy with someone who understands consent and coercion can help. Not all therapists get this—find someone who does.
Reconnect with your own desire. Not what you think you should want—what you actually want. What feels good. What turns you on. You deserve to know your own body again.
Assess your safety. If your partner reacts to your boundaries with threats, intimidation, or escalating pressure, that's abuse. You may need support to navigate that safely. The resources at the end of this post can help.
You Deserve Better
Here's what you deserve:
Sex that feels good. Sex you actually want. A partner who cares whether you're into it, wants it to feel good to you, and wants you to feel seen, heard, and safe.
You deserve to be desired, not just serviced. You deserve a "no" that's respected without consequence. You deserve a "yes" that's real, not coerced.
Your body is not a marital duty. Your desire matters. Your boundaries matter. Your well-being matters.
And anything less than enthusiastic, freely given consent isn't intimacy. It's sexual harm and violence.
If this is your reality, you're not broken. You're not overreacting. You're not being difficult or selfish.
You're a person who deserves to occupy your own body without fear, guilt, or obligation.
And that starts with realizing, naming, and understanding what's happening and refusing to accept it as normal.
Resources & Support
If you need support navigating sexual coercion or unhealthy relationship dynamics:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | thehotline.org
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673 | rainn.org
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Psychology Today Therapist Finder: Find therapists who specialize in sexual trauma, consent, and relationship health
You deserve support. You deserve safety. You deserve better.
